ItsasunnymorningintheBigForestandtheBearfamilyisjustwakingup.BabyBeargoesdownstairsandsitsinhissmallchairatthetable.Helooksintohissmallbowl.Itisempty!Whosbeeneatingmyporridge?hesqueaks.DaddyBeararrive

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AsIwastryingtopackforvacation,my3-year-olddaughterwashavingawonderfultimeplayingonthebed.Atonepoint,shesaid,Mom,lookatthis,andstuckouttwoofherfingers.Tryingtokeepherentertained,Ireachedoutandstuckherf

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THINGY(thing-ee)n.female:Anypartunderacarshood.male:Thestrapfasteneronawomansbra.VULNERABLE(vul-ne-ra-bel)adj.female:Fullyopeninguponesselfemotionallytoanother.male:Playingfootballwithoutahelmet.COMMU

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Howdocrazypeoplegothroughtheforest?Theytakethepsychopath.Howdoyougetholywater?Boilthehelloutofit.WhatdoEskimosgetfromsittingontheicetoolong?Polaroids.Whatdoprisonersusetocalleachother?Cellphones.Whatd

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Youlooseargumentswithinanimateobjects.Youhavetoholdontothelawntokeepfromfallingofftheearth.Jobinterferingwithyourdrinking.Yourdoctorfindstracesofbloodinyouralcoholstream.CareerwontprogressbeyondSenato

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GotaletterfrommyAuntMarthatheotherday.Shewrites...TheotherdayIwenttothelocalChristianbookstoreandsawaHonkifyouloveJesusbumpersticker.Iwasfeelingparticularlysassythatday,becauseIhadjustcomefromathrilli

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1.Their#1productwouldbeMicrosoftWinders2.Insteadofanhourglassiconyoudgetanemptybeerbottle3.Occasionallyyoudbringupawindowthatwascoveredwithaheftybag4.DialogboxeswouldgiveyouthechoiceofAhh-ightorNaaaaa

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AyoungventriloquististouringtheSouthwestandstopstoentertaininanArkansasbar.Hesgoingthroughhisusualstupidredneckjokes,whenabigburlyguyintheaudiencestandsupandsaysthreateningly,Iveheardjustaboutenoughof

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Whatsthelastthingyouusuallyhearbeforearedneckdies?Heyyall...Watchthis!HowToPickUpAChickInArkansas:HeyBaby!Nicetooth.YouMightBeARedneckIf...Youthinkthelastthreewordsofthenationalanthemisstartyourengine

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-RedneckDrivingEtiquette-Dimyourheadlightsforapproachingvehicles,evenifthegunisloadedandthedeerisinsight.Whenapproachingafour-waystop,thevehiclewiththelargesttiresalwayshastherightofway.Nevertowanothe

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ASundaySchoolteacherofpre-schoolerswasconcernedthathisstudentsmightbealittleconfusedaboutJesusChristbecauseoftheChristmasseasonemphasisonHisbirth.HewantedtomakesuretheyunderstoodthatthebirthofJesusocc

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AteachercautiouslyapproachesthesubjectofsexeducationwithherfourthgradeclassbecausesherealizesLittleJohnnyspropensityforsexualinnuendo.ButJohnnyremainsattentivethroughouttheentirelecture.Finally,toward

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Oneday,duringalessononpropergrammar,theteacheraskedforashowofhandsforwhocouldusethewordbeautifulinthesamesentencetwice.First,shecalledonlittleSuzie,whorespondedwith,Myfatherboughtmymotherabeautifuldre

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LittleJohnnywassittinginclassoneday.Allofthesudden,heneededtogotothebathroom.Heyelledout,MissJones,Ineedtotakeapiss!!Theteacherreplied,Now,Johnny,thatisNOTtheproperwordtouseinthissituation.Thecorrectw

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Onedaytheteacherwantedtheclasstousetheworddefinitelyinasentence.Suzyraisedherhandsoshecalledonher.Shesaid:theskyisdefinitelyblue!ImsorrySuzythatswrongtheskysometimesturnsdifferentcolorsred,grayetc..an

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HetellsyouthathislastgoodcasewasaBudweiser.Whentheprosecutorsseewhoyourlawyeris,theyhigh-fiveeachother.Hepicksthejurybyplayingduck-duck-goose.Hetellsyouthathehasnevertoldalie.Abigsigninhisofficesays:D

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Amandiedandwastakentohisplaceofeternaltormentbythedevil.Ashepassedsulfurouspitsandshriekingsinners,hesawamanherecognizedasalawyersnugglinguptoabeautifulwoman.Thatsunfair!hecried.Ihavetoroastforalleter

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Theprofessorofacontractlawclassaskedoneofhisbetterstudents,Ifyouweretogivesomeoneanorange,howwouldyougoaboutit?Thestudentreplied,Heresanorange.Theprofessorwasoutraged.No!No!Thinklikealawyer!Thestudent

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Howmanycanyouafford?Itonlytakesonetochangeyourbulb...tohis.Two.OnetochangeitandonetokeepinterruptingbystandingupandshoutingObjection!Three.Onetodoitandtwotosuehimformalpractice.Three.Onetoturnthebulb,

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Anengineerdiesandreportstohell.Prettysoon,theengineergetsdissatisfiedwiththelevelofcomfortinhell,andstartsdesigningandbuildingimprovements.Afterawhile,theyvegotairconditioningandflushtoiletsandescalat

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